Peter Viney's Blog

This is filed under RANTS, certainly not under MUSIC.

Eurovision 2022

We broke our own rule. What we’ve always done with Eurovision this century is this. Miss the songs, on the grounds they’re all rubbish. Watch the high speed resume, then sit down to have a good laugh at the groups of countries invariably voting for each other.

This is from my review of EUROVISION SONG CONTEST: THE STORY OF FIRE SAGA (linked) on this site:

The first Eurovision Song Contest took place at Lugano, Switzerland on 24 May 1956, with seven countries competing. Each country had one entry, a new song. By 1960, there were thirteen countries competing. Britain, like many countries, had an internal competition to choose its entrant. Usually, as the focus was on the song, so one singer would be chosen to sing all six competing entries (to even up the competition). Then there would be a public vote.

In the early 60s they’d then release an EP of all of them, or a 45 single of the winner and second, and an EP of the four “losers.” Often the singer was shocked at the public choice. Sandie Shaw got stuck with Puppet On A String for years, and Lulu deeply hated her winner, Boom-Bang-A-Bang. This had the ultimate European title – meaning the same (or nothing) in every language. Other winners were La La La(Spain), Ding-Dong (Netherlands), Diggy-Loo, Diggy-Lay (Sweden).

By 1981, British domination was clear. Four winners. Ten second placed.  Britain did well up to its last winner, Love Shine A Light by Katrina and the Waves in 1997.

The 1990s was Ireland’s decade. They won in 1992, 1993, 1994 and 1996. This is important for the story of the film because the winner has to hold the next year’s contest, and this ate up a huge proportion of Ireland’s TV budget. Ireland had the advantage of singing in English as native speakers, but NOT being British. Until 2020, the ultimate on Eurovision was the Father Ted episode, My Lovely Horse.

 The rest of Europe was beginning to see the contest as a bastion against the massive domination of British and American popular music, and also to realize that to the British it had become a kind of comedy kitsch festival. For years, the British commentary was done by Terry Wogan with a lovely sense of ironic humour, which is why we watched it. Graham Norton took over in the same jokey style … and has the role as himself in this film. As the Russian character Alexander Lemtov says in the Story of Fire saga  film:

Nobody like UK.

Indeed, Brexit cemented that.

No country can vote for itself but all the immigrant families and workers residing away from home naturally voted for their own native land, and neighbouring countries registered high scores for each other even though historically they didn’t like each other much, or even at all. The neighbouring vote problem can be traced back forty or more years earlier, with the Scandinavians preferring other Scandinavian entries; French-speakers (Belgium, Switzerland, Monaco and the other one) voting for records in French; Austria, Switzerland and Germany voting for each other. New blocs and alliances favoured the former Soviet Union and the former Yugoslavia, now finding they were half a dozen different countries. There is an Orthodox church voting bloc embracing Greece.

For years Terry Wogan had conducted the commentary with tongue-in-cheek, and many of us were known to avoid the actual songs, and just tune in for the laughs at the voting. But the cross-voting got too much even for Wogan.

The scoring was announced in English and French. There was a running joke about Norway registering Norvege – nul points year after year. In 2011, they finished last for the eleventh time. In the late 80s, I was giving a talk in Grenoble and met an old friend who lived locally for dinner. We were roaring with laughter about the cross voting between Scandinavian countries. As we finished, two guys at the next table stopped on their way out. ‘By the way,’ one said, ‘I should tell you that we are Swedish.’  That shut us up, but we offered them a drink and it all ended convivially.

The trouble was, the competition was expanding fast. Israel, Turkey, then Azerbajan became European for the contest, though Turkey has always had one side of the Bosperus in Europe. Australia got squeezed in too because it was popular TV there.

The newer countries took it very seriously, looking back to 1974 and Abba’s launch into the stratosphere with Waterloo … which inspires the story in the film. They all thought (wrongly) that they could emulate Abba, and permit me, but I’d say Abba were clearly the most able and talented winners in the entire history of the contest … and yet I think Waterloo was just about their worst song. The cross-voting reached ludicrous proportions in former-USSR countries  who started winning. They had to introduce semi-finals. The event became huge, except for the British who sneered at it from the bylines. (Though I don’t think Italy took it any more seriously until 2021, having its own San Remo Song Contest).

By 2017 it was “The Celebration of Diversity.”   This was gender and sexual orientation diversity rather than ethnicity. It certainly was not musical diversity. The rainbow flag flew high. Forty countries were competing.

2021

By 2021, the British took pride in receiving nul points from everyone. Amanda Holden caused some anger in announcing the British results:

Bonsoir and Goedenavond. That’s good evening in French and Dutch, although I’ve got absolutely no idea which is which.

This is interpreted as English-speaker arrogance. Is it? Well, yes, it is … to a degree. We all know she knows the difference. Britain scored low, not just because of Brexit (though partly), but because they all know that we take this kitsch festival as an annual running joke. This year, Germany (at the bottom with us) was also definitely making fun of the whole thing, rather than making a serious effort. In countries like Malta and Moldova this is deadly serious stuff, life-changing for the contestant. Iceland also came in with a strong sense of humour. While every other announcer went for bow ties and shiny frocks (not in combination for a change), theirs did it in strong contrast in a chunky green and brown sweater knitted by his mum. 

We score low partly because all the others know the long-standing UK attitude. I’d even suspect the winning French entry was consciously piling on the Piaf, but then it was an excellent song and she did it well. The truly dire pastiche metal band from Italy, sweeping ahead on the popular votes proves that mostly the TV audience all over watch with mild amusement from comfy chairs, and only SmartPhone addicted kids pay the 15p to vote.

The juries are supposedly sequestered so they cannot see the other results. In the past, a jury foreperson gave the result. Not anymore. It’s a TV presenter’s job, and there is surely no requirement for the presenter to be sequestered along with the jury. As Graham Norton made clear, the British TV team liked the hapless British guy on a personal level. I’d bet that Amanda Holden knew by then that they were going for nil points all round, and resented it on his behalf, so was doing a “Screw the lot of you.” Rude, OK. But she would also have known that the UK audience knew that too. She was playing to our national prejudices, and one is that Eurovision is crap. Crap, but funny crap.

SO TO 2022

We all knew Ukraine was going to win. We all wanted Ukraine to win, if I could have been bothered to find my phone, I’d have voted for Ukraine. It was a splendid expression of European solidarity.

What about the rest of it? We broke our rule. We watched all the songs, then didn’t wait for the voting. We knew Ukraine would win, and apart from that neither of us cared.

I made notes this time too. These should manage to offend viewers from twenty-five countries.

First, why did virtually every contestant say, ‘I’ve got a good idea! I’ll sing verse one with limited instrumentation, then as I hit verse two, you come in with loud thumping programmed bass!’ It happened Again and Again and Again. There, that’s a good Eurovision song title. Get a sound and keep repeating it.

We watched Czech Republic, Romania, Portugal. Why did they all want that electronic bass thump farting all over the songs?  At tht point, I went and got a pen and scrap paper.

Finland introduced Jezebel. My note reads, ‘This is the worst song I’ve heard in my entire life.’ 

That was before I heard the rest of the evening.

Switzerland. Dismal and lugubrious.

Then there were the three comperes trying their best to be jokey and colloquial. Graham Norton commented, ‘Well, the script doesn’t fly off the page this year.’
No, it didn’t. 

France greatly added interest by singing in Breton. My family history research led me to Brittany and probable Breton ancestors, so I sat up. I thought it was similar to Welsh. It apparently isn’t. Still, they remembered to bring in the programmed bass thump on cue and have strobe.

Norway – a lot of people liked Give The Wolf A Banana. Karen did. Many liked the piss-taking aspect. I hated it, and even more when the synth bass thumped in, and more again when the ubiquitous columns of flame erupted. Norvege- nul points, for me.

The Armenian entry had probably only just got up, because she was still wearing pyjamas. At least she had an acoustic guitar. Relief! Until that dreadful bass came in. The lyrics to me seemed to be about being ‘In Waitrose in love.’

Italy. The hosts. Scintillating dialogue from the comperes. Was he changing his suit from white to fuschia, or did they just change the lighting?
A: The race is on.
B: Yes. Eight countries have already performed on this beautiful stage.

The Italian entry By Mahmood and Blanco had been #1 in Italy for ten weeks. It was no Volare. I had to leave the room to make a cup of chamomile tea to soothe my frayed nerves.

Spain. Slo Mo. A toreador in knickers and fishnet tights. She was a brilliant dancer, Karen said the best on the show easily. However the act was crude and vulgar porn. All she needed was a pole to do a bit of pole dancing. The lyric included the chorus, ‘Boom Boom Boom.’ A bit like the bass thump, and the sort of poetic lyrical content that usually wins votes. My favourite Toreador song is Little White Bull by Tommy Steele which is a bit milder.

Netherlands. A novelty. She can sing. It was going well until the synth bass boomed in. The lyrics were in strong competition with Spain, though ‘Da Da Da Da Da Da Da’ is technically easier to pronounce than ‘Boom Boom Boom’ – it is an early baby sound in many languages.

Ukraine. I hadn’t seen Rap accompanied by a penny whistle before. Still, we all wanted them to win. Nice to see an acoustic double bass on stage, even if what we hear is programmed keyboard bass.

Germany. Rock Star. That’s the lyric, not the performer. By now I can point at the screen and cue in the bass perfectly without ever hearing the songs before.

Lithuania. At least the bass is from the start. No need to cue its entry.
Karen declared it was the best dress of the night easily (I’ve noticed that costume comment tends to outweigh musical appreciation), but wondered why she was so stuck on the spot. Maybe she couldn’t move in it.
My award for best shaven under arm pits.

Azerbaijan. The man is wearing World War One army puttees round his legs. This sartorial absurdity stopped me focussing on the song.

Belgium. Miss You. A whining ‘I’m gonna miss you N-O-W-OW-OW-OW.’ Abysmal. Light soul in style.

Greece. Different. It had a tune. Karen’s choice of second best frock of the night. If I could have been bothered to vote, it would have come second … like everyone else, only Ukraine could come first tonight. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I liked it, but 23 others were worse.

Iceland. I think that The Story of Fire Saga had blown their chances before they even walked on.Three girls with guitars. The blue bass guitar is magic because it makes sounds when her hands aren’t even on it, though it sounds like synth bass, not bass guitar to me.

Moldova ‘Hey ho. Let’s go. Rock ‘n’ Roll.’

There are days when I wonder if a lifetime teaching English as a Foreign Language has been a ghastly mistake, and has merely resulted in the cliched lyrics of Eurovision.
Moldova was a popular entry. Eurovision always loves a bit of OomPah German Beer Festival band with added violin and accordion.

Sweden. Flames spout, Hold Me Close. It justified my rudeness in Grenoble so many years ago.

Australia, What no digeridoos? Why is he wearing a jewelled mask and a left over Swan Lake cygnet costume? This is totally bizarre crap. Bring back Six White Boomers, Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport, Sun Arise. While what Rolf Harris did can never be forgiven, he was way better as a singer than this crap.

Then the female presenter thought the audience might like to go back to 1958 t this point, with memories of Domenico Modugno, and sing along with Volare. That’s SIXTY-TWO years ago. It was the era of all things Italian: Sophia Loren, espresso bars, frothy coffee as we called it, Vespas, Lambrettas and the sudden discovery of spaghetti by the British. Pizza was a few years later. Nobody knew the song. Also, she was wrong. It won the San Remo Festival, not Eurovision where it came third (though was the best selling song of that year’s entrants).

The United Kingdom. Sam Ryder came second. It was first on the jury vote. Boom-Bang- a Bang! We’re looking High High High. Power to All Our Friends! Congratulations, you’re obviously no Puppet On A String … (Leave it there, editor). Everyone loved him (except me). Everyone said he was the nicest bloke and the best singer in the universe. OK, if you say so.

Poland. Has a gospel lyric on a standard Eurovision tune. Why?

Serbia. Performance art, Graham Norton said. Vague echoes of Laurie Anderson. Actually interesting and non-Eurovision. It did surprisingly well.

Estonia. Acoustic guitar and serious efforts to work the audience. My award for onstage enthusiasm. The song was the expected stuff, but at least he put on a show.

So that’s it. All crap. I remember not a note of the music. I will never hopefully listen to any of these songs again.

The results (cut and pasted. We didn’t stay up to watch)

I have a strong suspicion that the other thirty-five contestants resent “The Big Five” who do not have to qualify via the semi-finals: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain. This is because of the size of the TV audiences and the power of the broadcasters. For fourteen years, Italy hadn’t bothered to try, returing only in 2011 The table’s not unexpected. We expect at least two of the Big Five to prop up the table (France, Germany this time). It is unusual for the UK not to join them.

Ukraine had been the bookie’s favourite to win, however they were in the eighth position after the jury vote. The jury vote awarded them 192 points, however, the public vote gave them a whopping 492 points, launching them straight to the top of the leaderboard with 631 points.

Eurovision Song Contest 2022 full results table