Peter Viney's Blog

The hacking cough …

This is one that’s been on my mind for years, but it’s relevant now because of the (A concerns B sensible precautions  C worries  D  panic  E  mass hysteria) over covid-19.

It’s rare to visit a theatre or cinema without encountering someone with a filthy cold, or wracking cough. A few theatres have the sense to sell cough sweets (The Globe), but not many. Actually, if you have a cough, equip yourself with a bottle of water plus one of these … Olbas pastilles, Fisherman’s Friend lozenges, or Broncho Stop pastilles. All are effective cough suppressants, but in their absence any sugary sucking sweet will help. If I ran a theatre, I’d sell them all.

Now I’m bald, and so unlike many of you, I will feel the droplets of a sneeze on the back of my head, which I shave, and I often have  felt the droplets in the theatre. Recently I got such a lot on my neck that I said ‘Fuck!’ audibly and I’m sure the cast heard. I hope the sneezer did.

I’ve often tried to assuage Karen’s fears by explaining that there are so many elderly people at matinees. A lot will be taking statins, and they can give people a persistent cough. (It fails totally to assuage fears).

On Saturday, a scientist from the World Health Organization was talking on Radio 4 on his recent visit to Coronavirus areas in China. He said of great importance was the willingness to focus on NOT infecting others in Asia. That’s why the Japanese wear masks if they have a cold. There is a consensus that it is extremely anti-social to spread germs, and people will try hard not to do so.

I’ve mentioned this in theatre reviews, but when people have booked nine months or a year ahead to see a play with a major actor, there is a tendency to drag themselves there with a high temperature, cough and sneezing. Some West End Theatres can run to over £100 per head in the best seats, which is an added financial incentive to go when you’re clearly ill and infectious.

I was at the dentist on Thursday. Fortunately, I was leaving, but a woman had just entered the waiting room coughing and sneezing and red-faced. Why would you take that to a dental surgery?

It might be that we’ll see cinemas and theatres closed because of our (A concerns B sensible precautions  Cworries  D  panic  E  mass hysteria). Then this will be irrelevant, but in this crisis, theatres could act to help.

ON RETURNS …

Unless you’re a “Friend” you won’t get an exchange on a theatre ticket. Even if you are a Friend at short notice you won’t get a refund, though with the RSC you might be able to exchange for a different date … I’ve done it.

I’m a Friend of The Globe, I had to give in my tickets once because my son was arriving from the USA that day. I phoned and told them the seat numbers. They said they’d refund them if they could sell them … centre, lower gallery, seated. I checked the next day … it was a complete sell out. I phoned … but no, they said they had not managed to re-sell my tickets.  Hmm. I think someone made a little money on the side.

In contrast, a third member of our party dropped out of a trip to Chichester Minerva theatre. It was sold out. I handed in the spare ticket on the night and said ‘I’m happy if you sell it for the theatre to have the money.’ On the way out they called me over. They had sold it. They gave me the money. Mind you, the seat was next to us, and we had a very happy woman who’d been desperately hoping to get a return.

In one West End theatre, I phoned to say we couldn’t attend and I knew the tickets were non-refundable, and they were welcome to sell the tickets for the theatre’s benefit rather than leave two empty seats near the front. The box office phoned back after the performance. The director had gone out and given them free to two drama students at the head of the line for returns and wanted me to know. (Their computer system wouldn’t have allowed them to re-sell them). I was delighted.

THE HACKING COUGH …

Tickets are non-refundable. But wouldn’t it be a good idea for theatres to allow returns for a refund from people with colds and coughs at present? Simply to keep them out. Some would still attend, because there was no possibility of exchange with a sold out run. Yes, and some bastards will exploit it because they don’t feel like it, read a bad review or whatever.

However, it might encourage some sneezers and coughers with no social conscience to stay at home.

ADDED MAY 2023

We had a miserable trip to London – we had to drive because the trains were on strike and the buses were fully-booked. It was the Donmar Warehouse in Covent Garden, We decided to see if the Ivy had a table- we thought, have a good lunch, we’ll be home late. The tables are very (too) close together.  Two women arrived and both  had full on coughs and neither put a hand or hankie over their mouths. We ended up turned sideways eating on the very edge of our table – the people on the other side of us were also grimacing every time they heard a cough. We skipped dessert and coffee and asked for the bill as soon as the main course was on the table. It was full or I’d have asked to move. Needless to say, we did not enjoy the meal, and given the close proximity of tables, I think we’ll give the Ivy chain a miss in future too.

Then we got to the theatre and were sat next to the only cougher in the audience. She was also bright red faced. No mask. No water. No cough sweets. She coughed so loud and so often that the cast noticed it. Also, in most theatres you have huge space above you with frequent air filtering. The Donmar stalls are under quite a low ceiling.