Gonks Go Beat
1965
Directed by Robert Hartford-Davis
Screenplay Jimmy Watson
Original story by Robert Hartford-Davis and Peter Newbrook
Cinematography by Peter Newbrook
CAST
Kenneth Connor – Wilco Roger
Terry Scott – PM
Frank Thornton – Mr A&R
Ian Gregory- Steve
Barbara Brown – Helen
Reginald Beckwith- Professor
Pamela Donald as Tutor
Gary Cockrell- Committee member
Jerry Desmonde – Great Galaxian
Arthur Mullard – Drum Master
Gillian French – Beatland prime minister
with music from
Lulu and The Luvvers
The Graham Bond Organisation
The Nashville Teens
Elaine & Derek
Ray Lewis & The Trekkers
The Long & The Short
The Trolls
The Vaqueros
Bobby Graham
Alan David
Ginger Baker
Andy White
The Beat Girls
The 60s retrospective series
Released 1964, that’s what IMDB says. It also says it was filmed in September 1964, and the soundtrack LP is dated 1965. As so few saw it at the time, who knows? I strongly suspect it’s 1965.
Let us take a time machine back to pre-production for this film. We are in the offices of Larry Sweat Enterprises in Soho, London
Larry: Harry! It’s been too long, my old sunshine. Cigar?
Harry: I will.
Larry: Remy?
Harry: Just a large one, Larry.
Larry: (calls) Carrie! Where is that girl? Carrie!
Enter Carrie in mini skirt
Larry: There you are, sweetheart. Just bend down and get the bottle of Remy Martin. It’s on the very bottom shelf … and the balloon glasses … they’re on the top shelf. Stretch up, darling … higher.
Both men ogle. Exit Carrie. Barry starts cleaning his steamed up glasses.
Harry: You’re a lucky man, Larry.
Larry: Old enough to be my daughter.
Barry: Granddaughter, more like.
Larry: What’s the pitch?
Harry: OK, all the kiddies love this pop music crap, right? So we have a story. Two countries, Beatland with the noisy pop nonsense, and Ballad Isle with proper songs. They’re on the edge of war over the annual song contest.
Larry: Very nice. Like It’s Trad Dad or Just for Fun?
Harry: Exactly, Larry. Lots of different pop singers. Gets the young girls in. But I gotta edge. Gets the young lads. We make it science-fiction.
Larry: Like Journey Into Space on the wireless?
Harry: Sorta thing. But with … um … galaxies and that. Then here’s the best part. We have gonks. From the Planet Gonk.
Larry: Gonks?
Harry: Yeah. Sort of Swedish dolls. Ugly little buggers with long hair. All the kids love them. Gets the girls again and we get the merchandising.
Larry: Good one, Harry.
Harry: Then we get the mums and dads to buy tickets by making it intellectual. We’ll have a Romeo and Julia story.
Larry: Like West Side Story?
Harry: ‘zactly. We’ll need serious actors. No rubbish.
Larry: I’ll call Gary then. He’s Kenneth Connor’s agent. You seen Kenneth in the Carry On films?
Harry: Kenny? He should relate to the youth audience. I mean he’s only forty-six.
Larry: That’s the way. Get the younger generation in. Frank Thornton’s with Gary too.
Harry: Gary? Gary represents Terry Scott as well. Ideal.
Larry: Give Norrie a call at EMI. Have a word in his shell-like. Norrie can round up some pop singers. Do an LP after. We’ll take a percentage.
Harry: Won’t work. They’re making too much money from all them long-haired Scousers over at EMI.
Larry: Good point. Gotta be cheap. I’ll call Barry at Decca.
Harry: Definitely cheaper. Yeah. Call Barry. We’ll want newish artists without any big ideas about money.
Larry: Artistes.
Harry: Artistes. Catch ’em young and innocent.
Larry: Got a title?
Harry: Yeah. Gonks Go Beat.
And so it came to pass. Gonks Go Beat was sold on its 1990 VHS release as “The Plan 9 From Outer Space of British pop movies!” Ultra-cult. Category: so bad it’s good. Ideal for stoned students on a Friday night. The worst of the so-bad-it’s good.
I saw it in my local second-hand record store on DVD. I’d never seen the film, having far too much cool back in 1964 to walk into a cinema building which had GONKS GO BEAT emblazoned above the door. The DVD is quite sought after. The LP of selections was valued at £200 in Rare Record Guide a few years ago, but it has dropped to £100 in the latest edition. It was last sold via Discogs for £120.
The interest value in the film for most adults is the presence of The Graham Bond Organisation at their height … Graham Bond, Jack Bruce, Ginger Baker, John McLaughlin and Dick Heckstall-Smith, and The Nashville Teens. The latter are famous for the album Live At The Star Club Hamburg with Jerry Lee-Lewis. I saw both bands back then at Bournemouth Pavilion Ballroom.
The odd thing about gonks in the film is they’re not what I remember as gonks. I had one as a parting gift from a Swedish girlfriend in 1966 and it was more of a troll.
PLOT?
Lulu sings Chocolate Ice over the credits. Written by Mike Leander. Then never released it as a single. I wonder why (that was sarcastic). It is on her first album Something To Shout About.
The Ruler of the Intergalactic Federation (Jerry Desmonde)
The Ruler of the InterGalactic Federation (Jerry Desmonde) wants to settle the age old dispute between the two fighting factions on Earth. The globe is divided into two rival factions: Beatland, which is populated by teenage beat musicians and singers, and Balladisle, which is devoted to ballads. Shades of Jonathan Swift Gulliver’sTravels.
The Intergalactic Ambassador Wilco Roger (Kenneth Connor), is the only ambassador left in the Space Committee of The Milky Way, and is notoriously useless. Kenneth Connor made a living as an actor from a mild stutter and looking as if he had a migraine.
The Ruler and Assistant
Ruler: Wilco Roger! Oh, no!
Assistant: Yes, sir, Oh, Great One. He’s the only one.
Ruler: Reprimanded for keeping goldfish in his space helmet! Reduced to the ranks …
Assistant: Then there was the occasion when he fell in love with the three-headed Venusian beauty queen …
Perhaps you’re getting the feel here of the quality and tension of the dialogue. Wilco Roger is an old radio and especially RAF call sign, Roger means ‘Received’ and Wilco means ‘Will do.’ Anyway that’s his name. It may be the first and last time Kenneth Connor was in a film where only his name was next to the title. The ruler offers him a choice. Either he goes to Earth, or he will be exiled to the Planet Gonk! The Gonks only listen to trad jazz. Even the film-makers knew that was out of date. Later Wilco calls it ‘the Siberia of Outer Space.’ The Gonks appear for ten seconds. They will not be seen again for more than an hour.
Wilco Roger (Kenneth Connor)
Wilco:Oh, no, sir. Not Planet Gonk! I always said these Earthlings were very nice people. A cultured race too!
He’s also told that he may only use his miraculous powers if there is a major emergency. The Ruler says Now, Wilco. Blast off! I actually laughed at Kenneth Connor’s doubletake on the line. He made it clear that his first thought was F*ck off.
Wilco Roger arrives in Beatland: If you’re with it, you’re in.
On landing in Beatland, his first instruction is ‘Change space clothing for Earth gear,’ this only requires a gesture- like pulling a toilet chain. Then he hears a music class!
The Professor (Reginald Beckwith)
Start with the best. It turns out to be the Graham Bond Organisation having a harmonica class. John McLaughlin is the pupil. Plus Ginger Baker, Jack Bruce and Dick-Heckstall-Smith.
Graham Bond. The best bit of the film “Harmonica”. Vox Continental organ days.
Graham Bond Organisation: Dick Heckstall-Smith on sax, John McLaughlin on guitar
Graham Bond Organisation: Ginger Baker. Jack Bruce kept himself well out of sight.
The professor gives them all a good telling-off, showing (ha ha) that all this pop music is very loud with incomprehensible lyrics.
Professor: Turn up your amplifier! Next time I want to hear those big big sounds that bring down the coconuts!
Professor: It’s the same with you, Ginger. You’re not playing in a chamber quartet. This is BEAT!
Professor: Your diction’s nearly as sharp as your clothes! I understood three words distinctly in the second chorus. How many times have I told you? Mumble, man. Mumble! Mumble!
Ballasisle: Music hath charm. Let’s keep it that way.
After the musicians have been roundly told off, Wilco goes to Balladisle. At first he’s chased because of his Beatland gear. But he does his toilet chain pulling gesture again and finds himself properly dressed. He approves of his more conservative clothing.
The teacher in Balladisle (Pamela Donald)
He hears the lilting sound of Elaine and Derek singing Broken Pieces with a teacher in leotard and fishnets conducting. Any woman in uniform from the waist up but scantily clad from the waist down was hugely funny in the late 50s. Jimmy Edwards was fond of it in Wacko! Balladisle clothes its policewomen similarly.
Broken Pieces: Elaine and a young Charlie Fairhead croon a duet
Elaine & Derek were twins from Belfast, with a long list of recordings. Derek Thompson later found fame as Charlie Fairhead in Casualty and Holby City – a TV run that started in 1986 and still continues.
Wilco overhears two boys talking about the annual Golden Guitar contest run by Mr A&R from the Echo Chamber. He goes to meet him. Mr A&R has one good line:
Mr A &R: I keep my hand in by writing the odd B-side of a record.
An industry in-joke. The B-side enjoyed the same royalty as an A-side, so Phil Spector would throw a studio jam on the B-side of hits. Cilla Black’s husband wrote her B-sides.
Wilco and Mr A&R (Frank Thornton)
Mr A&R asks him to ‘gaze into the Golden Disc’ and listen to exquisite sounds from Beatland, which would be a guitar instrumental. The band are in several iconic sports cars racing along an airfield runway. Actually, a good early rock video in concept. It must have been an elaborate set up, combining day and dusk sequences. I assume this is the Vaqueros, and the title is Burn Up. Hang on, there are nine of them, five playing guitars … so probably not an actual group.
Burn Up
Mr A&R (Frank Thornton) explains the Golden Guitar contest between the two factions. For the winners?
Mr A&R: Whoever wins gets a world tour, culminating in Sunday Night at The London Paladium, an old type television show.
Wilco: Swinging!
Wilco is imitating the show’s compere, Norman Vaughan, and uses both his catch phrases, Swinging! and Dodgy! as well as treating us to an imitation Liverpool accent.
Wilco (Kenneth Connor) and Mr A&R (Frank Thornton)
The losers however, will have all their musical instruments confiscated. Mr A&R rules all the contests a draw, so as to prevent a war breaking out. Wilco bursts into tears at the thought of ending up on Planet Gonk if he can’t make peace. He dabs his ears with his hankie, because where he comes from, they cry from their ears.
Alan David
Then Mr A&R suggests looking at Balladisle via the Golden Disc. The blonde chap is Alan David, warbling Love Is A Dream with Ray Lewis & The Trekkers. This is a Balladisle café with juke box, which has been decorated to look exactly like the inside of a film studio at Shepperton, complete with wobbly theatrical flats falling far short of the ceiling.
Like a moonbeam at night, it will fade in the light.
Wilco has an idea. On his trip to Earth he found out about Shakespeare from his computer (prescient!). Mr A&R breaks the 4th wall here,
Mr A&R: How does he get into this movie?
Wilco remembers Romeo & Juliet. Mr A&R says he knows the ideal couple. Back to ‘Gaze into the Golden Disc!’ We see a spying mission from Beatland off to get the rival side’s sheet music for the contest, but they are disturbed by a patrol on Lambrettas. The Balladisle patrol are policewoman. Guess what they’re wearing? Yes! Helmets, uniform jackets and tights! We hear a cheesy MoR saxophone and guitar instrumental.
Steve is captured
The leader, Steve (Ian Gregory) creeps up to take photos of Alan David and his pal with sheet music. Steve falls through a bush and gets captured!
Terry Scott is the Prime Minister of Balladisle
Steve is hauled to court before the Prime Minister of Balladisle (Terry Scott). The PM realises that Steve is one of Beatland’s leading vocalists so can keep him out of the contest with a 28 day prison sentence. The PM’s daughter (Barbara Brown) protests that this is unfair. So Steve is our Romeo, and we have our Juliet!
The prison officer is the Drum Master (Arthur Mullard). Drumming all night is a punishment. He’s deaf from listening to drums. Steve is told he has to play drums all night and is taken to the drumming room. His fellow prisoner has been there three years.
Steve: What did you do? Murder somebody?
Drummer: No, much worse than that. I was caught selling old Beatles and Presley discs to the kids.
The humour has no bounds. They keep on coming at you. Elvis is commonly known by just the one name. ELVIS not Presley.
‘Drum Battle’ the best thing in the film
This leads to the other famous sequence, Drum Battle, with eight drummers, the top guys too – Ginger Baker, Andy White, Bobby Graham among them. Admit it, this long eight drummer drum solo is great. Good rock video too.
The Long & The Short
We cut to Steve’s band, seeing if they can manage to perform a Beatles rip-off song without him. They’re pretty good too. This is The Long and The Shirt. Sorry, Long and The Short. The humour level is getting to me. Girls in bikinis bop along in beach movie style.
The drum master is Helen’s uncle. She arrives with some supper for him. The wine is drugged and he’s off to sleep. I wouldn’t say this counts as drugs as in sex and drugs ad rock ‘n’ roll.
Helen (Barbara Brown) has drugged The Drum Master (Arthur Mullard)
Steve and Helen escape and hide in a beach hut. They go to the Recording Mountain and the Echo Chamber, where Mr A&R will be asleep. They admit that they like quite a lot of each other’s music. Steve demonstrates one he liked I Just Fell In Love With You Today. An invisible band from nowhere plays behind. In fact an invisible Perry Ford of the Ivy League supplies Steve’s singing voice throughout. Ford is not credited on the film, but is credited on the LP.
Helen: That was great, Steve! You really know how to handle a ballad. See if you like this!
Barbara then sings A Penny For Your Thoughts. It may be supposed to be beat, but it sounds like a 50s show tune to me. The accompanying dance certainly is.
A Penny For Your Thoughts: Barbara Brown as Helen
Steve: Great! you’re pretty good yourself. Do you want to join my group?
They fall asleep in each other’s arms chastely.
Arthur Mullard (Drum Master) and Terry Scott (Prime Minister): two British monuments of comedy
The Drum Master reports back to the Prime Minister about the escape, claiming he was overwhelmed by six assailants.
The Mayor: This means war!
Drum Master: Thats a bit strong, ain’t it?
Mayor: Make a fresh issue of guitars! We invade Beatland at dawn!
Meanwhile, Steve and Helen meet Wilco and Mr A&R. Wilco has taken quite a shine to Helen. The rolling eyes were an all-purpose Kenneth Connor trademark indicating ecstasy. Or infatuation. Or inebriation. Or indigestion.
Wilco fancies Helen
The Prime Minister inspects his army, who are presenting arms with their guitars.
Note: The AMMO boxes contain drum sticks.
The Balladisle army is led by the Prime Minister. He believes Helen has been kidnapped. Terry Scott gets to do his pompous cod-Shakespeare Henry V type speech to his army. Terry liked doing stuff that was supposed to be serious in a funny way.
The Beatland army is preparing to defend. Beatland have electric guitars and trumpets; Balladisle have acoustic guitars and trombones.
The defending Beatland army. Do I detect product placement? Vox AC30 and T60 amplifiers.
The Balladisle troops advance. We get a pitched battle. Maracas become grenades.
The battle
This is a surprisingly good sequence cut to stirring music as both sides mix it. Helen rushes in to tell her dad she was not kidnapped as he thought, but had arranged the escape of Steve.
The script isn’t sure whether it’s the Prime Minister and The Mayor or the two Prime Ministers.
The Prime Minister calls for peace, and does a head to head argument with the prime minister of Beatland, who it turns out is Steve’s sister. Small world. Well, it is with only a small tank of water separating the two lands. The stretcher bearers come on to the battlefield and carry off the guitars.
Helen is sent home, where she sings a mournful song beside a lake. Sorry, pond. Sorry, studio tank of water. Then she hears Steve’s voice (or rather Perry Ford’s voice) coming in on the same dreadful ballad. What with both singing verses, it’s incredibly long. A pint of glycerine runs down Helen’s cheeks, as they duet at the end, hearing each other.
Steve joins in. Was he thinking ‘This is the start of my career”? Sadly for him, it was not. Especially as he was miming to Perry Ford.
Steve and Helen have both been barred from the annual Golden Guitar contest. Wilco & Mr A&R are upset. Wilco conjures up a bed to kip in (as Mr A&R has never had a guest) and dreams of Gonks, They are manipulated by visible hands … and this turns out to be The Beat Girls with Go Gonk sweatshirts!
The Beat Girls: the second and last reference to Planet Gonk.
They dance, and the soundtrack is “movie music cool jazz” indeed the bane of early 60s films and as we are not supposed to like Planet Gonk, someone felt the same as me. The Beat Girls were forerunners of Pan’s People, and included Babs Lord. They featured their dances on Beat Room on BBC2 in 1964-65. The film was early for this sort of dance routine.
Lulu: The Only One. Mr A&R enthroned at the rear.
On to the contest. Lulu & The Luvvers open it with The Only One. It’s voted MISS.
The Nashville Teens ‘Poor Boy.’
The Nashville Teens follow with Poor Boy. (Another high spot). MISS too. No, the Nashville Teens never issued it as a single nor put it on an LP (it is a bonus track on the later Tobacco Road CD).
Mr A&R declares another draw and then announces that he himself has an entry which the audience will judge, ‘The Beats Ballads.” We see Steve and Helen dressed for the show at The Echo Chamber with Wilco.
Steve and Helen
Steve, Helen and their groups appear, sing It Takes Two To Make Love, first as a ballad by Helen, which is backed by Ray Lewis & The Trekkers (who backed her earlier)
Helen, backed by Ray Lewis & The Trekkers
Then Steve takes over with The Long & The Short providing backing for the same song (allegedly – I suspect both are played by the same band). He mimes convincingly.
Steve with The Long & The Short
They steal the show so the two islands unite, and Mr A&R announces the new country as Musicland.
Mr A&R: All forms of music will be welcomed without restriction or prejudice.
Musicland? Good name for a chain of record shops. Oh, it’s been done. The prize is an ugly Vox Phantom guitar coated in gold … hang on, how often were Vox amplifiers and the Vox logo placed in the film?
Wilco “blasts off” to Mars:
Wilco: I think I’ll go to Mars. I haven’t seen the old lady for some time.
Geddit? Mars? Ma’s? No?
OVERALL
The very short Gonks link / joke was the major error, infantilising the whole thing even more than it needed to be.
They relied on old school TV / Carry On comedians to carry much of the narrative. Kenneth Connor, Terry Scott and Arthur Mullard did what they always did – whatever the part, they remained themselves with the same facial and vocal mannerisms. It’s how they made a living, and they were good at it.
Terry Scott reacts to The Nashville Teens
Terry Scott’s Mussolini attired Prime Minister does exactly the same sudden vocal high pitch and facial contortions as the middle class husband in Terry & June. Kenneth Connor’s range of funny faces can be seen in any of his Carry On films. Arthur Mullard made his living by sounding thick as a brick. He was blessed with the face for it. Frank Thornton is there to play the straight man. A role he has performed many times amidst comic mayhem.
The ballad songs veer to excruciating. The miming of Graham Bond Organisation is ludicrous. However, Drum Battle and whatever The Vaqueros sports car music was are both excellent early rock video sequences.
Neither of the romantic leads careers blossomed as a result. None of the musicians wanted to make any use of the songs they performed.
DVD
You can see the score mark on the original film on many frames. Otherwise it’s fine. Bright and clear.
COMMENTS
It’s rumoured that director Robert Hartford-Davis ordered that all prints of his movies should be destroyed following his death. It seems that nobody took any notice of him.
Sarah Morgan, Yorkshire Magazine
Its attractions include the absurdly silly storyline, cheap, cramped and wobbly cardboard sets, clunkily unfunny comic dialogue, a general air of amateurish ineptitude and the embarrassing spectacle of middle-aged actors such as Connor and Thornton obviously all-at-sea in this would-be “trendy” setting.
Wikipedia
Helliwell’s Film Guide, so often good for a pithy quote, did not deign to mention it.
SOUNDTRACK
The most valuable artefact of this film is …
None of the participants thought ‘A hit film! I can release a single from this!’ Harmonica by Graham Bond never made it to one of his albums. It was written by Marty Wilde.
Film credits for writers
The instrumental music is by Robert Richards. I’m not even sure if The Vaqueros appear. They are listed and the guitar instrumental in the car chase was their sort of thing. They were signed to Pye, not Decca, so maybe not on the album. The car chase theme must be Burn Up written by Robert Richards. On the album it is credited to The Titan Studio Orchestra, as are all the instrumentals. There is a Taiwanese LP online, which I suspect is a pirate copy. Burn Up is listed as Bum Up.
Al Saxon (who featured on so many budget cover versions) wrote the ballads.
COMMENT RECEIVED (BELOW) + PICTURE:
Although I don’t remember this film at all, there was a band called The Gonks around this time (late 1964/65) who were the backing band to Twinkle (of ‘Terry’ fame). As the Surfin’ Gremmies we played with them once at The Pavilion in Bournemouth and I only remember this because a surviving photo has The Gremmies on stage alongside the other band’s equipment and you can see they had decorated the place with Gonks.(We also played with The Nashville Teens around this time but thankfully not with ‘Helen and Steve’.)
Surfin’ Gremmie, Bournemouth Pavilion 1964 wih Gonks behind
POP EXPLOITATION FILMS
The Young Ones (1962)
Play It Cool (1962)
Summer Holiday (1963)
What A Crazy World (1963)
Live It Up! (1963)
Just For You (1964)
Wonderful Life (1964)
A Hard Day’s Night (1964)
Gonks Go Beat (1965)
Help! (1965)
THE 60s REVISITED REVIEWS …
A Taste of Honey (1961)
The Young Ones (1962
Some People (1962)
Play It Cool (1962)
Summer Holiday (1963)
Sparrows Can’t Sing (1963)
The Small World of Sammy Lee (1963)
Tom Jones (1963)
The Fast Lady (1963)
What A Crazy World (1963)
Live It Up! (1963)
Just For You (1964)
The Chalk Garden (1964)
Wonderful Life (1964)
A Hard Day’s Night (1964)
The Yellow Rolls-Royce (1965)
Gonks Go Beat (1965)
Cat Ballou (1965)
The Ipcress File (1965)
Darling (1965)
The Knack (1965)
Help! (1965)
Doctor Zhivago (1965)
Morgan – A Suitable Case For Treatment (1966)
Alfie (1966)
Harper (aka The Moving Target) 1966
The Chase (1966)
The Trap (1966)
Georgy Girl (1966)
Fahrenheit 451 (1966)
Nevada Smith (1966)
Modesty Blaise (1966)
The Family Way (1967)
Privilege (1967)
Blow-up (1967)
Accident (1967)
Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
I’ll Never Forget What’s ‘Is Name (1967)
How I Won The War (1967)
Far From The Madding Crowd (1967)
Poor Cow (1967)
Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush (1968)
The Magus (1968)
If …. (1968)
Girl On A Motorcycle (1968)
The Bofors Gun (1968)
The Devil Rides Out (aka The Devil’s Bride) (1968)
Work Is A Four Letter Word (1968)
The Party (1968)
Petulia (1968)
Barbarella (1968)
The Thomas Crown Affair (1968)
Bullitt (1968)
Deadfall (1968)
The Swimmer (1968)
Theorem (Teorema) (1968)
Medium Cool (1969)
The Magic Christian (1969)
The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer (1970)
Little Fauss and Big Halsy (1970)
Performance (1970)
Paul Newman wrote:
Although I don’t remember this film at all, there was a band called The Gonks around this time (late 1964/65) who were the backing band to Twinkle (of ‘Terry’ fame). As the Surfin’ Gremmies we played with them once at The Pavilion in Bournemouth and I only remember this because a surviving photo has The Gremmies on stage alongside the other band’s equipment and you can see they had decorated the place with Gonks.
(We also played with The Nashville Teens around this time but thankfully not with ‘Helen and Steve’.)
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I’m sure I saw you with The Nashville Teens, Paul.
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Very much enjoyed discovering & dipping into your blog this week…..but what bizarre perversity has led you to mis-identify & mis-label Jack Bruce as John McLaughlin in Gonks Go Beat?!?!?!
I’m relieved that the viewers of Harmonica on YouTube have not suffered under the same delusion!
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Quite right, Paul. I don’t know. With dark glasses, I have no idea of the face. I looked and thought it was a Gibson 335 or other semi-acoustic body guitar, and so assumed it was McLaughlin. Now I look it only has one cut out. I always think of Jack playing an EB-3 bass guitar. What is it? Looks vaguely like a Hofner President! I can’t go back and rewatch to look closer. Well, I could … but not again!
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