Posted one hour after David Cameron became the 12th Prime minister of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign.
Well it’s resolved. The election is finally over
But on these sorts of occasions so many questions come to mind. What’s the etiquette of deciding to call upon the Queen at her home to offer your resignation at 7.30 p.m.? Personally, I resent people turning up unexpectedly when I’m having dinner, and the Queen is 84 years young. She’s clearly accepting it graciously. But I wouldn’t dream of disturbing people of that age just before, during or just after their evening meal. Gordon Brown seemed determined to upstage the expected announcement of a Conservative-Liberal Democrat coalition,which had been timed for 8.30 p.m., but even so …
Then of course the Queen had to wait for David Cameron who got rather longer time with her. Did she and Prince Philip snatch a meal in the fifteen minute gap? Or were they served dried-up warmed-up supper later? Did the parade of politicians interfere with the royal TV viewing perhaps? Did Prince Philip manage to get the timer going on the TV recorder in time? The nation needs to know.
Then you have to think of David Cameron going back to No. 10 Downing Street. There’s no transition time in Britain, just 30 minutes. Former minister Nigel Hesseltine told the TV audience that he would be immediately whisked off to be briefed on the security codes for nuclear weapons.
But what then? Gordon Brown was intent on clinging on to power only a couple of hours earlier. But the new Prime Minister and family have to stay there in Number 10. Were the staff rushing around to change the beds? Was there a rush to get the ring off the bath and the hair out of the plug-hole? The Prime Minister’s apartment at the top of the house is allegedly self-financed. Did the Browns leave a welcoming bottle of milk in the fridge? We moved into one house to find milk and butter in the fridge, a loaf of bread and a wedge of cheese, and a bottle of fine red wine and two lovely wine glasses on the table. We resolved to do that whenever we moved out in future.
Or was Gordon unscrewing all the light bulbs and putting them in a box on the way out? He always had a parsimonious streak. The first flat we ever owned that happened. The previous owners took all the light bulbs. We moved in on a summer Saturday and it was virtually dark with no shops open before we noticed. We spent our first night by candlelight.
What it means for the TV reporters is the return to a nice warm studio after days standing outside 10 Downing Street and the offices of the various political parties and the Houses of Parliament. This has been the “live outside broadcast” election where for some reason the TV producers decided you can only talk about politics while standing out in the street on a bitterly cold night with a full film crew. It seems that we, the viewing public, can’t follow that it’s about politics unless we can see that the reporter is actually standing outside Number Ten or Big Ben.
Peter Viney's Blog 
I have a transcription of the tape that was taken last night.
Buckingham Palace, 7:30
(Ding Dong)
Queen Elizabeth: Oh, bugger it! Right when Top Gear is starting – Phil, would you see who it is?
Prince Phillip: Ok (brief pause). It’s that horrible Brown chappie – you know, the Scottish bloke who keeps coming around. Whatever happened that Blair fellah? I liked him?
QEII: You didn’t let him in, did you? Jeremy’s driving the new Fiat tonight…
PP: Well, unfortunately, he saw me walking round
QEII: Alright.. Is Charles home? Maybe he can answer the door – he looks like you…
PP: No, him and Dian – Camilla have gone out.
QEII: Sigh… let him in… this had better be quick
Gordon Brown: Hullo, ma’am. Hullo Phil
QEII and PP: hi…
QEII: listen, Top Gear is on: Jeremy’s reviewing the new Fiat, so… you know, can we be quick? You don’t want me to read any legislation do you? I mean, Richard’s also looking at the new Daewoo…
GB: No, ma’am. Fact is, the election went badly
PP: Hold on, I love this ad…
(30 sec wait)
PP: Haw haw – go on…
GB: (slightly annoyed): look, I’m no longer PM, and they kicked me out of the Party…
QEII: Well, erm, ah, that’s too bad, I guess. Um…, well, thanks. Erm… keep in touch…
GB: Is that it?
PP: Shh – James is ragging on Jeremy…
QEII: Yes. thanks. drop round some time, have a cup of tea… Not till June though – we’re… busy…
GB: WEll, I’ll be off then. See ya…
PP and QEII: Bye. Don’t forget to shut the door…
(soudn of television)
PP: I never liked him: bloody Scots. That Mel Gibson film got it right.
QEII; shh. Jeremy’s interviewing Peter Andre – have we given him a knighthood yet?
(sound of television. Top Gear Ends)
(Ding Dong)
QEII: Oh, damn… Right on the Bill! Who is this?
PP: I’ll go and look…
(brief pause) It’s whatsisname – Boris? No, David! Cameron.
QEII: Oh, poop. He now wants to be PM…
DC: ‘Ullo, all!
PP: Shh. The Bill is on….
QEII: Yes. What is it…
DC: Well … I’m now PM. I’m forming a Government
QEII: Good. Go to it. Good luck.
DC: Is that it?
QEII: Pretty much… now, if you’ll excuse me, DCI whosis is about to kiss the young PC….
DC: But, ma’am, it’s a coalition
QEII: Yes they’ve had one in Austrlaia for years. You’ll work it out… Now.., if you’ll excuse us…
DC: ? Ok.. see you… tomorrow….
QEII: Not likely… I mean, sure. whatevs. Say hello to Boris for me!
DC: bye….
QEII: Oh, I missed the kiss. Bugger…
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Thanks, David. I greatly enjoyed that insight into life behind the palace doors. They’re thinking of buying a Daewoo, beloved of old age pensioners, eh?
For those who don’t get “Top Gear” on TV, Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond and James May are the presenters. Boris is Boris Johnston, Conservative mayor of London.
I hasten to add for our Scottish readers, that Prince Philip is fond of wearing a kilt, and that his grandsons elect to support Scotland in international rugby matches. But Prince Philip (see his picture on my Biodata) has always been a man of forceful opinions.
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